The world was cold, it seemed to care less than ever.
It didn’t make sense and things weren’t as they should be. I was the way a person was suppose to be, but the rest of the people weren’t. The world was big and it kept getting bigger and bigger and I just wanted to get smaller and smaller. I didn’t want to be noticed, I didn’t want them to see me, I didn’t want them to ask me how I was, and I didn’t want to share my pain. I wanted to be ignored, I wanted to be silent, and I wanted my hurt all to myself. I just wanted to disappear. I walked around hoping no one would look at me. I was scared someone would talk to me. I hated to be asked how I was, because I would lied and say I was fine, I hate to lie. I faked my smiles and I pretended life was bearable. I couldn’t remember what happy was. Contentment was a distant memory. Nothing made sense and there was only one thing I could actually control.
I was sad. I was alone. I was empty. I was tired. I was fading away. I was almost invisible. Every day I was less than the day before.
Everyone had an opinion on how I looked, great, skinny, lean, too thin, hot, tiny, skin and bones, incredible or anorexic.
So, there you go. How did it happen?
It happened slowly, a little everyday.
It happened because I didn’t know what to do and because I felt I couldn’t do anything anymore.
It happened because the world was bigger than I could handle.
It happened because I was too use to being by myself and I didn’t know how to be weak and I couldn’t stand anyone’s pity.
I happened because I thought I could do everything on my own and I couldn’t ask for help, I didn’t know how to.
It happened because when I cry, I cry alone.
It happened because everyone said I was tough and strong, but in reality I was just frightened of everything.
It happened because the only thing that gave me some sense of relief or hope was the idea of disappearing. The only thing that felt good was watching myself fade away.