Adventures at the gym.

Dear Girl next me on stationary bike today,

Hello Girl (for short), hope your day is better than the 15 minutes we shared today.  Yes, we did indeed share some of our day, although it seems I did not notice you staring at me, I most certainly did.  I was curious as to why you had to consistently look at me every minute and a half…I mean I was on a stationary bike, what did you think might happen?  Were you hoping I could do a handstand on the handlebars?  I saw that once on on of those Xtreme Sport shows and although it looks easy and their bikes are moving I still don’t think I could do that.  You see, I am somewhat clumsy as I am sure you have some inkling to suspect with the bruises on my shins or the scabs on my hand.  Were you bother by my lack of focus on my workout the first 5 minutes because of my asthma flareup.  Yeah sorry about that, you seemed annoyed, but the thing is, I couldn’t breathe, but I do deeply regret that inconvenience to you, however slight it was, the rain and cold have been tough on me so if I didn’t use my inhaler I would have had to stop my work out and go get help or miserably tried to continue my work out and help would have had to have been called.  Granted I only really needed to focus on my workout during the high intensity portion which is like…I don’t know every 2 or 3 minutes, well I’m sure you know as you clearly were paying more attention than I was to my workout, it was hard to focus with your staring.  Did you think that during the high intensity times I might just actually pedal off through the brick back and hit Olympic?  I guess that could be a scary thought, I mean I was peddling pretty damn hard, we both know I was covered in sweat.  Which though it appeared I didn’t notice you , I have excellent peripheral vision, but you didn’t sweat…at all. I know I must be entertaining to watch and my singing can be captivating but you’re half my age dear, you need to be sweating or you’re going to get fat within 5 years.

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It’s okay…

It’s okay…

That I might be alone in these feelings

That I lay awake at night wishing for your touch and 

That you sleep  with thoughts of me a million miles away

That everything was a lie to you

That I was possibly the biggest fool there ever was

That I was nothing to you

That you were everything I had ever wished for and so much more.

That it could be over

 

It’s all okay, because I felt it and no one can ever take that away from me.

 

How did it happen

The world was cold, it seemed to care less than ever.

It didn’t make sense and things weren’t as they should be.  I was the way a person was suppose to be, but the rest of the people weren’t.  The world was big and it kept getting bigger and bigger and I just wanted to get smaller and smaller.  I didn’t want to be noticed, I didn’t want them to see me, I didn’t want them to ask me how I was, and I didn’t want to share my pain.  I wanted to be ignored, I wanted to be silent, and I wanted my hurt all to myself.  I just wanted to disappear.  I walked around hoping no one would look at me.  I was scared someone would talk to me. I hated to be asked how I was, because I would lied and say I was fine, I hate to lie.  I faked my smiles and I pretended life was bearable.  I couldn’t remember what happy was.  Contentment was a distant memory.  Nothing made sense and there was only one thing I could actually control.

 
I was sad. I was alone. I was empty.  I was tired. I was fading away.  I was almost invisible. Every day I was less than the day before.
 
Everyone had an opinion on how I looked, great, skinny, lean, too thin, hot, tiny, skin and bones, incredible or anorexic.
 
So, there you go.  How did it happen?  
It happened slowly, a little everyday.
It happened because I didn’t know what to do and because I felt I couldn’t do anything anymore.  
It happened because the world was bigger than I could handle.  
It happened because I was too use to being by myself and I didn’t know how to be weak and I couldn’t stand anyone’s pity.  
I happened because I thought I could do everything on my own and I couldn’t ask for help, I didn’t know how to.  
It happened because when I cry, I cry alone.  
It happened because everyone said I was tough and strong, but in reality I was just frightened of everything.  
It happened because the only thing that gave me some sense of relief or hope was the idea of disappearing.  The only thing that felt good was watching myself fade away.