This is love.

Insecurity surrounded me, at that moment I realized I was in love.  
Everything threatened love.  
I was scared.
I was jealous.
I was panicked. 
I felt betrayed and abandoned and lied to.  
I thought myself a fool for thinking you could love me back or that we could ever love each other freely.  
I doubted everything that had existed been between us, everything you said and even everything I had ever felt.  
I didn’t believe in the future, or the present, it got to the point where I didn’t even believe the past.   



I don’t want someone who can live with me; I want someone who can’t live without me.

I believe there are several (thousand) people we can, to a certain extent, settle on and possibly live somewhat content with for a certain amount of time depending on how agreeable everyone can be, but basically there is one person that we can have that ultimate connection with.  Please note: I do not cry (at movies or even funerals) and I believe myself to be very logical and calculating…in the good way.

I think it comes down to options and choices: having way too many or very very few, leads to this very impersonal belief.  The general population doesn’t come across too many people actually willing to marry them, so when one finally does comes along they marry them.  One person’s willingness to think they can commit to you forever doesn’t really mean much and it certainly doesn’t mean that they are truly compatible with that person or that they fulfill their emotional, spiritual, sexual, and intellectual needs, it means: you settled and you got tired of waiting and you’re lonely.

There’s no shame in being lonely, it’s what makes us human.  We all get cold at night, I get it.  Here is where patience needs to be implemented.  Loneliness and impatience causes us to settle.  We are tired of trying and getting our hopes up.  We believe that ‘good enough’ is acceptable, when in actuality it isn’t even ‘good enough’ and it certainly isn’t great.  We do a number of things to convince ourselves that ‘settling with’ is the same thing as ‘settling on’. We want a return on our investment: on the time we put into molding our perfect mate. We feel we owe someone for the time they invested in us or for putting up with us during those tough times.  We may even be trying to right a wrong and how better to do that than handing over our life and potentially happiness to another?  Hmmm by saying “I’m sorry” and letting them find a more compatible mate, oh and you do the same.

The other end of the spectrum: too many choices.  This is by far worse and more self destructive.  We just don’t do well with too many choices: it makes it difficult to appreciate what you do have.  Arrogance has ruined the greatest of them.  Be humble and modest, just because you can have anyone, doesn’t mean anyone will do!

I want someone that can’t live without me and actually knows who I am.  Who gets the quirks and yes, the crazy too.  Obviously I will not being be able to live without him, figuratively, but really at that point it’s practically literal.  I want to laugh and joke as time becomes nonexistent.  The neighbors will know our names and even though I constantly crave every part of him, I would be with him if there was a glass wall between us.   This will be the man I cannot live without, how could there be more than one of him? IMG_20140211_223658 (1)