Adventures at the gym.

Dear Girl next me on stationary bike today,

Hello Girl (for short), hope your day is better than the 15 minutes we shared today.  Yes, we did indeed share some of our day, although it seems I did not notice you staring at me, I most certainly did.  I was curious as to why you had to consistently look at me every minute and a half…I mean I was on a stationary bike, what did you think might happen?  Were you hoping I could do a handstand on the handlebars?  I saw that once on on of those Xtreme Sport shows and although it looks easy and their bikes are moving I still don’t think I could do that.  You see, I am somewhat clumsy as I am sure you have some inkling to suspect with the bruises on my shins or the scabs on my hand.  Were you bother by my lack of focus on my workout the first 5 minutes because of my asthma flareup.  Yeah sorry about that, you seemed annoyed, but the thing is, I couldn’t breathe, but I do deeply regret that inconvenience to you, however slight it was, the rain and cold have been tough on me so if I didn’t use my inhaler I would have had to stop my work out and go get help or miserably tried to continue my work out and help would have had to have been called.  Granted I only really needed to focus on my workout during the high intensity portion which is like…I don’t know every 2 or 3 minutes, well I’m sure you know as you clearly were paying more attention than I was to my workout, it was hard to focus with your staring.  Did you think that during the high intensity times I might just actually pedal off through the brick back and hit Olympic?  I guess that could be a scary thought, I mean I was peddling pretty damn hard, we both know I was covered in sweat.  Which though it appeared I didn’t notice you , I have excellent peripheral vision, but you didn’t sweat…at all. I know I must be entertaining to watch and my singing can be captivating but you’re half my age dear, you need to be sweating or you’re going to get fat within 5 years.

It’s okay…

It’s okay…

That I might be alone in these feelings

That I lay awake at night wishing for your touch and 

That you sleep  with thoughts of me a million miles away

That everything was a lie to you

That I was possibly the biggest fool there ever was

That I was nothing to you

That you were everything I had ever wished for and so much more.

That it could be over

 

It’s all okay, because I felt it and no one can ever take that away from me.

 

How did it happen

The world was cold, it seemed to care less than ever.

It didn’t make sense and things weren’t as they should be.  I was the way a person was suppose to be, but the rest of the people weren’t.  The world was big and it kept getting bigger and bigger and I just wanted to get smaller and smaller.  I didn’t want to be noticed, I didn’t want them to see me, I didn’t want them to ask me how I was, and I didn’t want to share my pain.  I wanted to be ignored, I wanted to be silent, and I wanted my hurt all to myself.  I just wanted to disappear.  I walked around hoping no one would look at me.  I was scared someone would talk to me. I hated to be asked how I was, because I would lied and say I was fine, I hate to lie.  I faked my smiles and I pretended life was bearable.  I couldn’t remember what happy was.  Contentment was a distant memory.  Nothing made sense and there was only one thing I could actually control.

 
I was sad. I was alone. I was empty.  I was tired. I was fading away.  I was almost invisible. Every day I was less than the day before.
 
Everyone had an opinion on how I looked, great, skinny, lean, too thin, hot, tiny, skin and bones, incredible or anorexic.
 
So, there you go.  How did it happen?  
It happened slowly, a little everyday.
It happened because I didn’t know what to do and because I felt I couldn’t do anything anymore.  
It happened because the world was bigger than I could handle.  
It happened because I was too use to being by myself and I didn’t know how to be weak and I couldn’t stand anyone’s pity.  
I happened because I thought I could do everything on my own and I couldn’t ask for help, I didn’t know how to.  
It happened because when I cry, I cry alone.  
It happened because everyone said I was tough and strong, but in reality I was just frightened of everything.  
It happened because the only thing that gave me some sense of relief or hope was the idea of disappearing.  The only thing that felt good was watching myself fade away.  
 

This is love.

Image
 
 
Insecurity surrounded me, at that moment I realized I was in love.  
Everything threatened love.  
I was scared.
I was jealous.
I was panicked. 
I felt betrayed and abandoned and lied to.  
I thought myself a fool for thinking you could love me back or that we could ever love each other freely.  
I doubted everything that had existed been between us, everything you said and even everything I had ever felt.  
I didn’t believe in the future, or the present, it got to the point where I didn’t even believe the past.   
 
 

 

I don’t want someone who can live with me; I want someone who can’t live without me.

I believe there are several (thousand) people we can, to a certain extent, settle on and possibly live somewhat content with for a certain amount of time depending on how agreeable everyone can be, but basically there is one person that we can have that ultimate connection with.  Please note: I do not cry (at movies or even funerals) and I believe myself to be very logical and calculating…in the good way.

I think it comes down to options and choices: having way too many or very very few, leads to this very impersonal belief.  The general population doesn’t come across too many people actually willing to marry them, so when one finally does comes along they marry them.  One person’s willingness to think they can commit to you forever doesn’t really mean much and it certainly doesn’t mean that they are truly compatible with that person or that they fulfill their emotional, spiritual, sexual, and intellectual needs, it means: you settled and you got tired of waiting and you’re lonely.

There’s no shame in being lonely, it’s what makes us human.  We all get cold at night, I get it.  Here is where patience needs to be implemented.  Loneliness and impatience causes us to settle.  We are tired of trying and getting our hopes up.  We believe that ‘good enough’ is acceptable, when in actuality it isn’t even ‘good enough’ and it certainly isn’t great.  We do a number of things to convince ourselves that ‘settling with’ is the same thing as ‘settling on’. We want a return on our investment: on the time we put into molding our perfect mate. We feel we owe someone for the time they invested in us or for putting up with us during those tough times.  We may even be trying to right a wrong and how better to do that than handing over our life and potentially happiness to another?  Hmmm by saying “I’m sorry” and letting them find a more compatible mate, oh and you do the same.

The other end of the spectrum: too many choices.  This is by far worse and more self destructive.  We just don’t do well with too many choices: it makes it difficult to appreciate what you do have.  Arrogance has ruined the greatest of them.  Be humble and modest, just because you can have anyone, doesn’t mean anyone will do!

I want someone that can’t live without me and actually knows who I am.  Who gets the quirks and yes, the crazy too.  Obviously I will not being be able to live without him, figuratively, but really at that point it’s practically literal.  I want to laugh and joke as time becomes nonexistent.  The neighbors will know our names and even though I constantly crave every part of him, I would be with him if there was a glass wall between us.   This will be the man I cannot live without, how could there be more than one of him? IMG_20140211_223658 (1)

“One thing I am…

Quote

“One thing I am certain of, I do not want to be betrayed, but that’s quite hard to say casually, at the beginning of a relationship. It’s not a word people use very often, which confuses me, because there are different kinds of infidelity, but betrayal is betrayal wherever you find it. By betrayal, I mean promising to be on your side, and then being on somebody else’s.”

― Jeanette Winterson, Oranges are Not the Only Fruit

The strangest thought about betrayal popped in my head today…that even loyalty can be a betrayal between lovers.  Although I have a strong and clear aversion to speaking about feelings it doesn’t mean I don’t have them.  I will be the first to admit I lack the usually sentimentality most women have and utterly lack the desire to pin a man down, I still being in love and more so, in being IN love.  I want, of course to have both these reciprocated.  I don’t know if this is where my pride kicks in, but I would kind of like someone’s soul as well.  I would be shattered if I found out that my beloved with with me for anything other than love and being in love.  Yes of course loyalty, trust, care, and blah blah blah, but if someone is staying without loving and being in love that is a betrayal…to both people.